Loss Of Humanity

I want to move to, and raise my family in a place that slows down. I want to be somewhere, where people who dont know each other, actually talk to each other. While waiting for the grocer to bag your groceries, instead of being on a cell phone, I want to talk to the people and learn about their lives. Heck, i want to even just say I hope you have a great day today, the sun looks nice.

I realized how dekalb is actually a pretty small town...but in a weird way I like it. I like how I can go to the local chinese resturante to pick up food for my family and the owner knows my gramma, remembers the boy i brought in when he was meeting my family, how I went to high school with her daughter. I like how I run into the secretary that got me out of detentions in high school because i was late every day, and she still remembers my name and face...and tells me to stop by the high school to say hi to her.

I would love to live somewhere, where i can get my fruits and vegetables from a local stand on the side of the road, and when i give them my cash I know I am supporting their hard labor and helping their family make a living from the lifestyle they choose to live.

I need to talk to strangers more, I need to....in a nice way...make the people around me feel a little uncomfortable. Especially as Christians I feel we need to air our dirty laundry out more to show the impact of grace in our lives, and give hope to those who live in bondage.

Man, I only have what...liek 60 more years on this earth? What am I doing while im here! I am so so so selfish most of the time. from the help of some good friends im learning to be clear....meaning im learning to stop filtering myself to what I think people, the world, or WHATEVER wants me to be...and just be....ME. The real me, the messy, un lovable, un cool, not perfect, seriously pretty messed up me.

I want to do the things i long to do, take the opprtunities that arise, and tell people "why does it matter! this isnt the end anyway...this isnt even what we were made for!!

"The beauty of grace, is it makes life unfair....praise God. Man I am so sick of being what I feel is expected of me there is only ONE.....whose view of me matters...only ONE who I am surrendered to ( because He gives me the choice to) and only ONE.....who when all is said and done...can look at the REAL US..no masks, no stage to perform our best...can see all the ugly...even the stuff WE dont see in OURSELVES...and only He, Jesus Christ, can look at us and say:

you are mine, I have chosen you, and when you least deserved it....I chose to Love you.

Amen friends...that is the Gospel, that is the God we serve.

Please....just come.

Please just come. All who are weary all who are thirsty. I dont care what it looks like when you come, or how you come. I dont care if you sit when everyone stands, stay silent when everyone sings, what you look like or what you say. Please ask questions, please share your heart, be vulnerable. I dont deserve your heart, your hurt your wounds our your past, but I would like to try and ease it. I cant be what you need but because of my own need, I can show you the one who can be.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Come all who are burdened and take His yoke for it is easy and it is light.I am sorry.

I am so sorry for whatever or whoever it was that turned you away. Not away from Church, or Christians, or a culture...but away from a loving, forgiving, saving, and all powerful God....who I promise wants you.

I dont care how you come...just come. Even if its just putting one toe in the door. Maybe it will even be you crawling on your knees our of desperation.....which would be perfect. If that is how you come to Him I believe your already much better off than many others who, like me, have forgotten how we are NOTHING on our own. We are a lost people, who are truly in need of a savior.

I hope you see in me a need, a weakness, a longing for God. I hope you see something thats hard, thats real, thats raw...something that goes beyond appearances, beyond expectations and beyond performance. Something that is so consuming that I couldnt hide it even if I wanted to.

I wish I shined like that.

Found Some Old Writings Of Mine

Im really tired of people being fake and selfish. Please just LEAVE ME ALONE…

Im really tired that I fall into the trap EVERY TIME thinking this time will be different.

Im really tire of being USED to fulfill your meantime needs. How about you think about ME for once. About WHAT IS BEST FOR ME.

Do me a favor and LEAVE ME ALONE. Im fine until you come in and get me off track.

My WHOLE LIFE I have had to fight the voice saying IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I don’t need YOU echoing that with a loud speaker into my mind.

I know, I know its tough. I know the feeling of the underdog and wanting for ONCE to feel on top. And then once you get there, its hard to not take advantage of us, the LITTLE PEOPLE .

But I can tell you one thing. I will NOT PRETEND. I will not give something that isn’t there, or take something I KNOW ISNT MINE.

So next time you think you can come to me, and take things that DON’T BELONG TO YOU, and think its ok…..your in for a surprise.

There might be a lot of things you CAN TAKE from me, but the one thing you can NEVER TAKE….

Is the one thing that’s NEVER FOR SALE.


How mad lol