Semester 2008

I’ve read enough books, heard enough talks. Had enough advice, and tried distracting myself with enough stuff.

I’ve tried to run, believe me I’ve tried. I ran to this and that, him and her, everything and anything that would fight off the lies.

Don’t tell me its not ok to feel what I feel, to dream what I dream, and make me feel like a fool for believing in more.

You led me here, like you had it planned out. What kind of sick joke is that?
Its things like this, that make me afraid, do what I do, and hide away.
We were not meant to hide, to be shamed or scared.
But its hard not to when my heart has seen war.

Damn doesn’t anyone dream anymore? I feel so alone here, with my head in the clouds. How did anything happen if someone didn’t take the risk to dream it was possible? I still believe in you, yes you love, even if this world proves me wrong again and again. I have to, I need to. We were made from love, by love, to love. I feel it, down to my core. Deep deep down, there is something much more.

I wish that I could be that girl. The one who doesn’t care, pushes it aside and moves on. The one who is strong and can say screw all this. I know what I want, what I need, what I deserve. But that’s just it, that’s it right there. What really, if anything, do we deserve? I know of terms like mercy and grace, but what does that look like, here, standing in my place.

I wish I could be thankful, not always wanting more. Not always seeking, dreaming, searching for the thing to make me whole. But ya know, im just not that girl. Im not the one to dry my lips, cross my legs and keep quite. If that’s what you want, im sorry she’s not here. The one that’s here is a beautiful mess, in every sort of the way. Can you love me in my mess, when im weak and wrong, in my ugliness? Can you love me when its not convenient, when your busy and your stressed? I have had a lot of yes’s but no one to fight till the end. That’s all I ask, all I ask of you. To see that me, in my worst, is still worth fighting for.

Now its my turn, my turn to learn. To shut doors, walk away and stop trying to return. Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting, and the presence of a women is something to be esteemed. She can tease you with her lies, inspire you with her beauty, but the one thing she cant do is make you want to fight for love. Love is a choice, I’ve heard a thousand times, but what do you say, to the one whose seen choices give up and walk away.