Ivory Tower

Im so angry at those people that brain washed me into believing that when x situation arises, you apply y solution.

Its a long gaze down from the top of my ivory tower. The place where my body, my actions, my words, the external me is doing everything right. My body isn't doing anything "wrong". My words arent tearing people down or goodness forbid using swear words. My actions arent doing anything that would "hinder my witness". Its a good thing I stay in my ivory tower and dont move somewhere more transparent because if what was in my heart were to be revealed, then I have already committed adultery and murder in my heart. If where my heart is my treasure will be also, then I can assure you my treasure is of NO WORTH right now.

We think we walk in freedom, because we feel comfortable. We think we are free, because we dont wrestle and question. Those of us who do not question, do not wrestle do not challenge; those of us who feel comfortable, we are the most bound prisoners there are. We become free, when we can be transparent with all of us, all the ugly shit we hide, and find that there is only ONE who can love all of it.

Stories

We all have a story. We have a past, we have fears, we have insecurities, we have that person ( or persons) that left some deep wounds that only love can heal. We have passions and joys and aspirations that reach to the heavens. We have our little selves, the selves that we dont want people to really see, because thats like being an animal lying on their back with their stomach exposed....the most vulnerable and dangerous position. We have our big selves, sometimes I wish I could find that one. Anyway the point is we all have stories....some chapters everyone knows and some no one does. Our stories are NOT by mistake. Dont you believe that lie for a minuet. Our God causes all things to work together for good for those that love Him.

People , we are not formulas. when it comes to things like love, 2+2 does not equal four. Another side note...be kind to people you dont know their stories. I have a mighty God. That's easy to write, but sooo much harder to live. I have a God that knew my story, cover to cover before I was even born. I have no reason to fear...to fear anything. I am in His hands, not mine. Sighhhhh...there it is, that peace feeling that comes when I remember whose I am, and how great He is.

Mirrors

Unlike humans, mirrors cant break themselves.

We should be like mirrors together.
Attracting only light, not darkness
Reflecting the light of the other to the world.
Mirrors don't take, they reflect.
Mirrors work together, off each other.
Alone, they are just glass. Nothing beautiful.
Simple enough.

Right here I will stay

what if we miss each other?
what if we missed each other?
what if were...missing each other?

what if, what if what if what if. Emotions, mind, body, racing, weak, tired, yearning, pulling.

I wish snow white would have told me love was a race.
I wish sleeping beauty would have mentioned, love is a battle of power.
I wish "once upon a time" told the truth.
I wish Happily ever after, showed which one decided to jump first.

I cant jump. Im free, dont tell me im not free.
My body leans over, but my legs, from about the knees down and one with the ground
what if I stay.
what if I dont jump, take that leap of faith, risk it all, ect.
Ill miss out right?
ill be told im calloused, and afraid to love and....what else will I be told?

Im not meant to jump.
well, not right now at least.
you told me not to, so i wont.
my tourso leans over, legs stand still bent,body broken in half.
Broken in half.
Broken in half.
Broken in half. But Ill stay.

were always told to just Jump.
dammit.
its scary to jump.
hell.
no its scary to stay RIGHT HERE.
Its scary to stay in the:
who knows
im missing out
ill never know
place.....

im right.
where im.
supposed to.
be.

in the middle of it.
the "it" isnt really about you and me....
anymore
now
its about....
me

Just for a minuet
I need this
to be
about me.

I can feel it.
I can feel the freedom coming, the wind rushing around me
with my arms open wide, face upward towards the sky
I feel the spin, the whoooosh.

From up here I can see the mountains.
From here I will watch the sun rise another day.
From here I will listen.
Right here I will stay.
Yes
Right here I will stay.

I am not my own

I have realized I am not my own. I dont belong to myself.

Do you know what that means? I have been bought at a high price. A high price of love.

By my own choice I am not my own. God is sooo good. I still cant rest and capture the concept that while I was, and still am, helpless and 100% incapable of fixing myself, restoring myself, making myself "ok"....God came in, picked me up and said "your mine. I got you." Before I even said....before I was even capable of saying I love you to God, He said "I love you, and will do what it takes (dying) to restore you to myself."

These ideas, this concept is not to be taken lightly. This kind of love is NOTHING like anything we can compare with here on earth. However, this kind of love, this powerful life changing love is not a one foot in one foot out kind of love.

I dont belong to myself. I have been bought at a high price. If I give myself and submit to this love, no longer shall I do what I want to do.

I dont mind waiting on you Lord. This is a song that we sing at the Rock. I dont mind waiting on you Lord...and I really dont. When we believe and understand our God is sooo good, and sooo full of love, we wont mind waiting on Him.

This life has conditioned us to believe that waiting is a bad thing. Its a scary thing because when we give over control to whatever or whoever were waiting on....its risky. Fail us. so many things and people fail us, as we do them. I can guarantee there has been a time in your life when someone told you "trust me, wait on me. Show me you trust me by waiting on me, give me your trust."

And when you did that, that person hurt you so deeply, that you told yourself the last thing you would ever do would be to trust someone to that extent again. You would be caught dead before you ever gave over control, and let someone dispose of you, take advantage of you or objectify you again.

Maybe, its not the act of waiting and trusting, but its WHO were waiting on...WHO were trusting in. I was humbled in Church today to how worthy God really is. How worthy God is of me waiting on Him. In fact (yeah, im going there) I should honestly be thankful God even allows me to wait on Him. Thinking of God as a high King, to be on my face at the feet of a King waiting on Him.

I might not know you. I might not know your story. But I do know that when we reach a point of humility, on our face saying "God, all I know is how much I need you. All I know is that I will die without you." Our perspective changes. Our perspective on everything.

Realins how worthy, how powerful, how awesome our God is, becomes humbling. God you are so worthy, because of who you are, of me waiting on you, because of how much I need you oh God. What draws me close to you, is my deep need for you, and my depravity without you.

God will nof fail you. He will not dissapoint you, even though it may appear that way. He will never dispose you, or objectify you...ever He will never, ever do anything that is not out of love. Because thats who He is.

I dont mind waiting on that. I have no other choice, for I am not my own.

I cant explain the cross. The sacrifice of love that was for you and me.

I know this: You cant love without sacrifice and pain. Love is not comfortable.