I want to move to, and raise my family in a place that slows down. I want to be somewhere, where people who dont know each other, actually talk to each other. While waiting for the grocer to bag your groceries, instead of being on a cell phone, I want to talk to the people and learn about their lives. Heck, i want to even just say I hope you have a great day today, the sun looks nice.
I realized how dekalb is actually a pretty small town...but in a weird way I like it. I like how I can go to the local chinese resturante to pick up food for my family and the owner knows my gramma, remembers the boy i brought in when he was meeting my family, how I went to high school with her daughter. I like how I run into the secretary that got me out of detentions in high school because i was late every day, and she still remembers my name and face...and tells me to stop by the high school to say hi to her.
I would love to live somewhere, where i can get my fruits and vegetables from a local stand on the side of the road, and when i give them my cash I know I am supporting their hard labor and helping their family make a living from the lifestyle they choose to live.
I need to talk to strangers more, I need to....in a nice way...make the people around me feel a little uncomfortable. Especially as Christians I feel we need to air our dirty laundry out more to show the impact of grace in our lives, and give hope to those who live in bondage.
Man, I only have what...liek 60 more years on this earth? What am I doing while im here! I am so so so selfish most of the time. from the help of some good friends im learning to be clear....meaning im learning to stop filtering myself to what I think people, the world, or WHATEVER wants me to be...and just be....ME. The real me, the messy, un lovable, un cool, not perfect, seriously pretty messed up me.
I want to do the things i long to do, take the opprtunities that arise, and tell people "why does it matter! this isnt the end anyway...this isnt even what we were made for!!
"The beauty of grace, is it makes life unfair....praise God. Man I am so sick of being what I feel is expected of me there is only ONE.....whose view of me matters...only ONE who I am surrendered to ( because He gives me the choice to) and only ONE.....who when all is said and done...can look at the REAL US..no masks, no stage to perform our best...can see all the ugly...even the stuff WE dont see in OURSELVES...and only He, Jesus Christ, can look at us and say:
you are mine, I have chosen you, and when you least deserved it....I chose to Love you.
Amen friends...that is the Gospel, that is the God we serve.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Please....just come.
Please just come. All who are weary all who are thirsty. I dont care what it looks like when you come, or how you come. I dont care if you sit when everyone stands, stay silent when everyone sings, what you look like or what you say. Please ask questions, please share your heart, be vulnerable. I dont deserve your heart, your hurt your wounds our your past, but I would like to try and ease it. I cant be what you need but because of my own need, I can show you the one who can be.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Come all who are burdened and take His yoke for it is easy and it is light.I am sorry.
I am so sorry for whatever or whoever it was that turned you away. Not away from Church, or Christians, or a culture...but away from a loving, forgiving, saving, and all powerful God....who I promise wants you.
I dont care how you come...just come. Even if its just putting one toe in the door. Maybe it will even be you crawling on your knees our of desperation.....which would be perfect. If that is how you come to Him I believe your already much better off than many others who, like me, have forgotten how we are NOTHING on our own. We are a lost people, who are truly in need of a savior.
I hope you see in me a need, a weakness, a longing for God. I hope you see something thats hard, thats real, thats raw...something that goes beyond appearances, beyond expectations and beyond performance. Something that is so consuming that I couldnt hide it even if I wanted to.
I wish I shined like that.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Come all who are burdened and take His yoke for it is easy and it is light.I am sorry.
I am so sorry for whatever or whoever it was that turned you away. Not away from Church, or Christians, or a culture...but away from a loving, forgiving, saving, and all powerful God....who I promise wants you.
I dont care how you come...just come. Even if its just putting one toe in the door. Maybe it will even be you crawling on your knees our of desperation.....which would be perfect. If that is how you come to Him I believe your already much better off than many others who, like me, have forgotten how we are NOTHING on our own. We are a lost people, who are truly in need of a savior.
I hope you see in me a need, a weakness, a longing for God. I hope you see something thats hard, thats real, thats raw...something that goes beyond appearances, beyond expectations and beyond performance. Something that is so consuming that I couldnt hide it even if I wanted to.
I wish I shined like that.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Found Some Old Writings Of Mine
Im really tired of people being fake and selfish. Please just LEAVE ME ALONE…
Im really tired that I fall into the trap EVERY TIME thinking this time will be different.
Im really tire of being USED to fulfill your meantime needs. How about you think about ME for once. About WHAT IS BEST FOR ME.
Do me a favor and LEAVE ME ALONE. Im fine until you come in and get me off track.
My WHOLE LIFE I have had to fight the voice saying IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I don’t need YOU echoing that with a loud speaker into my mind.
I know, I know its tough. I know the feeling of the underdog and wanting for ONCE to feel on top. And then once you get there, its hard to not take advantage of us, the LITTLE PEOPLE .
But I can tell you one thing. I will NOT PRETEND. I will not give something that isn’t there, or take something I KNOW ISNT MINE.
So next time you think you can come to me, and take things that DON’T BELONG TO YOU, and think its ok…..your in for a surprise.
There might be a lot of things you CAN TAKE from me, but the one thing you can NEVER TAKE….
Is the one thing that’s NEVER FOR SALE.
How mad lol
Im really tired that I fall into the trap EVERY TIME thinking this time will be different.
Im really tire of being USED to fulfill your meantime needs. How about you think about ME for once. About WHAT IS BEST FOR ME.
Do me a favor and LEAVE ME ALONE. Im fine until you come in and get me off track.
My WHOLE LIFE I have had to fight the voice saying IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I don’t need YOU echoing that with a loud speaker into my mind.
I know, I know its tough. I know the feeling of the underdog and wanting for ONCE to feel on top. And then once you get there, its hard to not take advantage of us, the LITTLE PEOPLE .
But I can tell you one thing. I will NOT PRETEND. I will not give something that isn’t there, or take something I KNOW ISNT MINE.
So next time you think you can come to me, and take things that DON’T BELONG TO YOU, and think its ok…..your in for a surprise.
There might be a lot of things you CAN TAKE from me, but the one thing you can NEVER TAKE….
Is the one thing that’s NEVER FOR SALE.
How mad lol
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Song
So song writing is my drug, it saves me from going mental..seriously.
for the past few weeks I have really had it on my heart this idea that when God made us, He looked at us and said "we were GOOD" He wasnt comparing us to anything, there was no standard of good, He made us in HIS PERFECT image and said we were good. Everything in this world tells us the opposite. Says we are not "good enough" in someway shape or form, and personally im getting pissed at the world. I have come to believe the best way that satan defeats us (at least me) is to "twist" or just plain lie..about the core fundamentals that Christ gave us...one being that God truly loves us and another being that we are not "good enough." Much to say I wrote a song about it all.....
Good Enough
These voices scream to me
the lies im starting to believe
now im starting to give in
I wake to a new day
which says that for love I must pay
everything that I don’t have and more
How do I stand in you
trusting your words are true
when all that surrounds me
tries to define me
saying im not worthy of this love
Im taught that freedom can't come free
but you say, truth will do that for me
oh how I need that now
tonight Im walking with my eyes shut
these standards they just hurt to much
but what if its not me that’s wrong
How do I standin you
trusting your words are true
when all that surrounds me
tries to define me
saying im not worthy ofthis love
How do you look at me and see beauty
(2)The power of graceis that He took my place
So you can look at meAnd see beauty
1. When God was finished making us He looked at what He made and said it was "good". In today's world EVERYTHING... i mean EVERYTHING around us is telling us the message that we "are not good enough" that if we just had "blank" or just were "blank" then we would somehow Measure up to this universal standard of good enough. When God made us and said we were good there was no comparison to anything. He didnt say "compared to (blank)..you pass!!!! your good enough!" lol He simply said we were GOOD. My weakness, my fight and battle, my hearts thorn is that Im never enough of anything......pretty enough, smart, worthy, no matter WHAT it is...i just never measure up. What if somehow we could train our minds that when we have these thoughts, to say to ourselves "ya know what...God... G.O.D....says im good the WAY I AM. Yes my shortcomings and ALL."
2. When God madue us He made us in the image of Himself. The Bible also shows that God wasnt really alone when He made us...He had the presence of the Holy Spirit and the Son.... Hence He said " Let us make them in OUR image".... the trio shows community and how we as humans are DESINGED for community, relationships. To me that was honestly discouraging and well, scary because relationships are my passion....and what if I never measure up or am worthy enough for the one thing Im created for! But thats not the community we were designed for... the trio of God, the Son and the Holy Spirit are the communiity that compliments each other... shines the best in one another and loves one another so much more, that they sacrifice for them. They want the others best interest, and is absolutey PERFECT community. That is what we were desinged for.. and katie we live in a world where EVERY relationship WILL dissapoint and fail us. sooooooo
3. (almost done!!!) I want you to imagine something... for real. Imagine being in an atmosphere where the being that created you says you are PERFECT. You are constanly being in an enviornment where you are being told you are passionatly loved, you are good, you are beautiful, there is nothing that you lack, and everything you could ever need is in this being that is telling you all these things. We are beings that were desinged to have something.. no someONE who is outside of ourselves TELL us we are worthy, we are beautiful, we are loved and we are good. In the garden, we had that, we had God telling us those things....but since the fall adn that disconnection b/w God and man....we look for that voice to tell us who we are in other people, and other things. We dont hear God's voice of approval anymore. We can say all we want that as long as we are happy with who we are and confident, we dont need other people's approval...but i dont think i can do that. because I don think i was desinged that way. Am I saying God desinged us to put our worth is other's approval and that their opinions are truth and reality?.... NEVER...im saying the exact opposite. Im saying we need to TAKE back the power we have put in others to define us, and give it back to the one who is wrothy of it.
for the past few weeks I have really had it on my heart this idea that when God made us, He looked at us and said "we were GOOD" He wasnt comparing us to anything, there was no standard of good, He made us in HIS PERFECT image and said we were good. Everything in this world tells us the opposite. Says we are not "good enough" in someway shape or form, and personally im getting pissed at the world. I have come to believe the best way that satan defeats us (at least me) is to "twist" or just plain lie..about the core fundamentals that Christ gave us...one being that God truly loves us and another being that we are not "good enough." Much to say I wrote a song about it all.....
Good Enough
These voices scream to me
the lies im starting to believe
now im starting to give in
I wake to a new day
which says that for love I must pay
everything that I don’t have and more
How do I stand in you
trusting your words are true
when all that surrounds me
tries to define me
saying im not worthy of this love
Im taught that freedom can't come free
but you say, truth will do that for me
oh how I need that now
tonight Im walking with my eyes shut
these standards they just hurt to much
but what if its not me that’s wrong
How do I standin you
trusting your words are true
when all that surrounds me
tries to define me
saying im not worthy ofthis love
How do you look at me and see beauty
(2)The power of graceis that He took my place
So you can look at meAnd see beauty
1. When God was finished making us He looked at what He made and said it was "good". In today's world EVERYTHING... i mean EVERYTHING around us is telling us the message that we "are not good enough" that if we just had "blank" or just were "blank" then we would somehow Measure up to this universal standard of good enough. When God made us and said we were good there was no comparison to anything. He didnt say "compared to (blank)..you pass!!!! your good enough!" lol He simply said we were GOOD. My weakness, my fight and battle, my hearts thorn is that Im never enough of anything......pretty enough, smart, worthy, no matter WHAT it is...i just never measure up. What if somehow we could train our minds that when we have these thoughts, to say to ourselves "ya know what...God... G.O.D....says im good the WAY I AM. Yes my shortcomings and ALL."
2. When God madue us He made us in the image of Himself. The Bible also shows that God wasnt really alone when He made us...He had the presence of the Holy Spirit and the Son.... Hence He said " Let us make them in OUR image".... the trio shows community and how we as humans are DESINGED for community, relationships. To me that was honestly discouraging and well, scary because relationships are my passion....and what if I never measure up or am worthy enough for the one thing Im created for! But thats not the community we were designed for... the trio of God, the Son and the Holy Spirit are the communiity that compliments each other... shines the best in one another and loves one another so much more, that they sacrifice for them. They want the others best interest, and is absolutey PERFECT community. That is what we were desinged for.. and katie we live in a world where EVERY relationship WILL dissapoint and fail us. sooooooo
3. (almost done!!!) I want you to imagine something... for real. Imagine being in an atmosphere where the being that created you says you are PERFECT. You are constanly being in an enviornment where you are being told you are passionatly loved, you are good, you are beautiful, there is nothing that you lack, and everything you could ever need is in this being that is telling you all these things. We are beings that were desinged to have something.. no someONE who is outside of ourselves TELL us we are worthy, we are beautiful, we are loved and we are good. In the garden, we had that, we had God telling us those things....but since the fall adn that disconnection b/w God and man....we look for that voice to tell us who we are in other people, and other things. We dont hear God's voice of approval anymore. We can say all we want that as long as we are happy with who we are and confident, we dont need other people's approval...but i dont think i can do that. because I don think i was desinged that way. Am I saying God desinged us to put our worth is other's approval and that their opinions are truth and reality?.... NEVER...im saying the exact opposite. Im saying we need to TAKE back the power we have put in others to define us, and give it back to the one who is wrothy of it.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Song
They Tell Me
They tell me girl just try
A little harder next time
Get yourself in line
Maybe you’ll be alright.
They tell me play the part
That wont break your heart
Hide everything you are
Girl it cant be that hard.
But I know that road
And if you keep walking you’ll loose your soul
There’s a big world out there… to know
So I must go.
Please just try and obey
What the voices say
Don’t ask why
Life is easier Blind
But I know that road
If you keep walking you’ll loose your soul
There’s a big world out there… to know
So I must go.
Girl just close your eyes
Repress all the lies
don’t dream farther than your time
That’s how you’ll be alright. (2)
that’s how you’ll die
They tell me girl just try
A little harder next time
Get yourself in line
Maybe you’ll be alright.
They tell me play the part
That wont break your heart
Hide everything you are
Girl it cant be that hard.
But I know that road
And if you keep walking you’ll loose your soul
There’s a big world out there… to know
So I must go.
Please just try and obey
What the voices say
Don’t ask why
Life is easier Blind
But I know that road
If you keep walking you’ll loose your soul
There’s a big world out there… to know
So I must go.
Girl just close your eyes
Repress all the lies
don’t dream farther than your time
That’s how you’ll be alright. (2)
that’s how you’ll die
Song
Formulas Dont Apply
I thought if I played my cards right
I wouldn’t be where I am tonight
If I played it safe not much to say
I ‘d protect what I used to give away
What if I said that im done
with playing these games
of the heart
That leave it hungry for more
**I found out, without a doubt
In this life oh formulas don’t apply
It doesn’t matter how hard we try, everything will either live or die
hey there, dreamer they call out to me,
when will you come back down.
Dreaming is just for the weak
and I think you show that well.
Oh I believe this more than I know
For it comes from deep in my soul
But I believe its
The only way to save our souls.
A few years in
I think I might now, be just a little more healed
But my heart is still crying and searching
Bleeding for something real.
And I want to see in your eyes
Life is more beautiful than lies
Rise from the ground to the sky
**I found out, without a doubt
In this life oh formulas don’t apply
It doesn’t matter how hard we try, everything will either live or die
Oh Im so tired of compromise
I just want you to look me in the eye
That you see its worth the fight
That I am worth the fight
I thought if I played my cards right
I wouldn’t be where I am tonight
If I played it safe not much to say
I ‘d protect what I used to give away
What if I said that im done
with playing these games
of the heart
That leave it hungry for more
**I found out, without a doubt
In this life oh formulas don’t apply
It doesn’t matter how hard we try, everything will either live or die
hey there, dreamer they call out to me,
when will you come back down.
Dreaming is just for the weak
and I think you show that well.
Oh I believe this more than I know
For it comes from deep in my soul
But I believe its
The only way to save our souls.
A few years in
I think I might now, be just a little more healed
But my heart is still crying and searching
Bleeding for something real.
And I want to see in your eyes
Life is more beautiful than lies
Rise from the ground to the sky
**I found out, without a doubt
In this life oh formulas don’t apply
It doesn’t matter how hard we try, everything will either live or die
Oh Im so tired of compromise
I just want you to look me in the eye
That you see its worth the fight
That I am worth the fight
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Fist Full of Sand
Its like making a fist with sand in your hand they say. The tighter you hold, well you know the rest. So what...what is that perfect amount of strength and balance that keeps the sand in the palm of your hand, without it slipping away?
Interesting how they say certain things like love, are just "out of our hands." That there is no choice, no drive, no decision needed to be made with love, its just..."love." If it comes, great soak it up for what its worth. If it goes, well then its time to sow yourself back up and watch it go.
You know call me crazy, but I just cant believe that. I cant believe the most empowering emotion, the most driving force ,the....the very thing that sets our souls alive...is something we only experience if our cards seem to line up just right.
So that seems to leave us with two options. Either love..the act the emotion the concept..is only experienced when the moon and stars a line, or there is a power in and of love. A power that chooses and acts.
Interesting how they say certain things like love, are just "out of our hands." That there is no choice, no drive, no decision needed to be made with love, its just..."love." If it comes, great soak it up for what its worth. If it goes, well then its time to sow yourself back up and watch it go.
You know call me crazy, but I just cant believe that. I cant believe the most empowering emotion, the most driving force ,the....the very thing that sets our souls alive...is something we only experience if our cards seem to line up just right.
So that seems to leave us with two options. Either love..the act the emotion the concept..is only experienced when the moon and stars a line, or there is a power in and of love. A power that chooses and acts.
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