I am not my own

I have realized I am not my own. I dont belong to myself.

Do you know what that means? I have been bought at a high price. A high price of love.

By my own choice I am not my own. God is sooo good. I still cant rest and capture the concept that while I was, and still am, helpless and 100% incapable of fixing myself, restoring myself, making myself "ok"....God came in, picked me up and said "your mine. I got you." Before I even said....before I was even capable of saying I love you to God, He said "I love you, and will do what it takes (dying) to restore you to myself."

These ideas, this concept is not to be taken lightly. This kind of love is NOTHING like anything we can compare with here on earth. However, this kind of love, this powerful life changing love is not a one foot in one foot out kind of love.

I dont belong to myself. I have been bought at a high price. If I give myself and submit to this love, no longer shall I do what I want to do.

I dont mind waiting on you Lord. This is a song that we sing at the Rock. I dont mind waiting on you Lord...and I really dont. When we believe and understand our God is sooo good, and sooo full of love, we wont mind waiting on Him.

This life has conditioned us to believe that waiting is a bad thing. Its a scary thing because when we give over control to whatever or whoever were waiting on....its risky. Fail us. so many things and people fail us, as we do them. I can guarantee there has been a time in your life when someone told you "trust me, wait on me. Show me you trust me by waiting on me, give me your trust."

And when you did that, that person hurt you so deeply, that you told yourself the last thing you would ever do would be to trust someone to that extent again. You would be caught dead before you ever gave over control, and let someone dispose of you, take advantage of you or objectify you again.

Maybe, its not the act of waiting and trusting, but its WHO were waiting on...WHO were trusting in. I was humbled in Church today to how worthy God really is. How worthy God is of me waiting on Him. In fact (yeah, im going there) I should honestly be thankful God even allows me to wait on Him. Thinking of God as a high King, to be on my face at the feet of a King waiting on Him.

I might not know you. I might not know your story. But I do know that when we reach a point of humility, on our face saying "God, all I know is how much I need you. All I know is that I will die without you." Our perspective changes. Our perspective on everything.

Realins how worthy, how powerful, how awesome our God is, becomes humbling. God you are so worthy, because of who you are, of me waiting on you, because of how much I need you oh God. What draws me close to you, is my deep need for you, and my depravity without you.

God will nof fail you. He will not dissapoint you, even though it may appear that way. He will never dispose you, or objectify you...ever He will never, ever do anything that is not out of love. Because thats who He is.

I dont mind waiting on that. I have no other choice, for I am not my own.

I cant explain the cross. The sacrifice of love that was for you and me.

I know this: You cant love without sacrifice and pain. Love is not comfortable.

Song

Nothing Without You

F, C, Am, G-capo 1

I’ve come to know
That im nothing without you
Im nothing without you
I cant sing without you

I’ve come to know
That im nothing without you
Im nothing without you
I cant be without you

This is a cry
This is a beg
To come and fill me once again
This is a cry
This is a beg
To come and wake me from the dead.

Ive come to see just how ugly I can be
How lost I can be, when I follow my own lead

Ive come to feel the power of a slave
The tighter oh the chains
The less choices I can make

This is a cry
This is a beg
To come and fill me once again
This is a cry
This is a beg
To come and wake me from the dead.

Song

Smart of you

I think I’d be smart of you
To hold your words
I think I’d be smart of you
Not to say exactly what you feel

I think I’d be smart of you
Not to take my hand
And lead me away with
Words of unfilled promises

Im young but I have seen
The beauty that comes in waiting
And the power
From a selfless heart

I think I’d be smart of me
Not to hear your words
To realize that selfishness
Can be dressed in charm.

Im young but I have seen
The beauty that comes in waiting
And the power
From a selfless heart

Song

Hard Battle

You’ve gotta know
You’ve gotta know
This isn’t right.
(G2, G, F, G, G2)

Cant you see my face

Now im tired of your words
They mean nothing to me now
But ill try, yes ill try to understand.

Althought now I see a child not a man

But its a hard battle within me
When the fight’s against my heart and my mind
Cant you see im trying here
Not to run away in fear
But ill run if I know you wont fight.
Watch me run, oh ill run if you wont fight
(A, G, F)

So here I am
With my heart on my sleeve
As I try to be the rock

That I am.

And it seems to the world
You know how to win the girl
But as for me I will bow out gracefully.

For I’m told for just my hand ships should sail seas.

But its a hard battle within me
When the fight’s against my heart and my mind
Cant you see im trying here
Not to run away in fear
But ill run if I know you wont fight.
Watch me run, oh ill run if you wont fight
(A, G, F)

Fear

Fear is a death grip that robs us from trusting. Love, and trusting that very love is an extremely powerful thing. The evil one knows that and will rob the power that Gods love has for us by causing us to fear. Fear is holding on when God says surrender. Fear is trying to do things on our own when God says let me. Fear is not trusting He will satisfy, provide, and protect; and turning to other things for those longings when says I AM.....that I AM.

Loss Of Humanity

I want to move to, and raise my family in a place that slows down. I want to be somewhere, where people who dont know each other, actually talk to each other. While waiting for the grocer to bag your groceries, instead of being on a cell phone, I want to talk to the people and learn about their lives. Heck, i want to even just say I hope you have a great day today, the sun looks nice.

I realized how dekalb is actually a pretty small town...but in a weird way I like it. I like how I can go to the local chinese resturante to pick up food for my family and the owner knows my gramma, remembers the boy i brought in when he was meeting my family, how I went to high school with her daughter. I like how I run into the secretary that got me out of detentions in high school because i was late every day, and she still remembers my name and face...and tells me to stop by the high school to say hi to her.

I would love to live somewhere, where i can get my fruits and vegetables from a local stand on the side of the road, and when i give them my cash I know I am supporting their hard labor and helping their family make a living from the lifestyle they choose to live.

I need to talk to strangers more, I need to....in a nice way...make the people around me feel a little uncomfortable. Especially as Christians I feel we need to air our dirty laundry out more to show the impact of grace in our lives, and give hope to those who live in bondage.

Man, I only have what...liek 60 more years on this earth? What am I doing while im here! I am so so so selfish most of the time. from the help of some good friends im learning to be clear....meaning im learning to stop filtering myself to what I think people, the world, or WHATEVER wants me to be...and just be....ME. The real me, the messy, un lovable, un cool, not perfect, seriously pretty messed up me.

I want to do the things i long to do, take the opprtunities that arise, and tell people "why does it matter! this isnt the end anyway...this isnt even what we were made for!!

"The beauty of grace, is it makes life unfair....praise God. Man I am so sick of being what I feel is expected of me there is only ONE.....whose view of me matters...only ONE who I am surrendered to ( because He gives me the choice to) and only ONE.....who when all is said and done...can look at the REAL US..no masks, no stage to perform our best...can see all the ugly...even the stuff WE dont see in OURSELVES...and only He, Jesus Christ, can look at us and say:

you are mine, I have chosen you, and when you least deserved it....I chose to Love you.

Amen friends...that is the Gospel, that is the God we serve.

Please....just come.

Please just come. All who are weary all who are thirsty. I dont care what it looks like when you come, or how you come. I dont care if you sit when everyone stands, stay silent when everyone sings, what you look like or what you say. Please ask questions, please share your heart, be vulnerable. I dont deserve your heart, your hurt your wounds our your past, but I would like to try and ease it. I cant be what you need but because of my own need, I can show you the one who can be.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Come all who are burdened and take His yoke for it is easy and it is light.I am sorry.

I am so sorry for whatever or whoever it was that turned you away. Not away from Church, or Christians, or a culture...but away from a loving, forgiving, saving, and all powerful God....who I promise wants you.

I dont care how you come...just come. Even if its just putting one toe in the door. Maybe it will even be you crawling on your knees our of desperation.....which would be perfect. If that is how you come to Him I believe your already much better off than many others who, like me, have forgotten how we are NOTHING on our own. We are a lost people, who are truly in need of a savior.

I hope you see in me a need, a weakness, a longing for God. I hope you see something thats hard, thats real, thats raw...something that goes beyond appearances, beyond expectations and beyond performance. Something that is so consuming that I couldnt hide it even if I wanted to.

I wish I shined like that.