Its like making a fist with sand in your hand they say. The tighter you hold, well you know the rest. So what...what is that perfect amount of strength and balance that keeps the sand in the palm of your hand, without it slipping away?
Interesting how they say certain things like love, are just "out of our hands." That there is no choice, no drive, no decision needed to be made with love, its just..."love." If it comes, great soak it up for what its worth. If it goes, well then its time to sow yourself back up and watch it go.
You know call me crazy, but I just cant believe that. I cant believe the most empowering emotion, the most driving force ,the....the very thing that sets our souls alive...is something we only experience if our cards seem to line up just right.
So that seems to leave us with two options. Either love..the act the emotion the concept..is only experienced when the moon and stars a line, or there is a power in and of love. A power that chooses and acts.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Semester 2008
I’ve read enough books, heard enough talks. Had enough advice, and tried distracting myself with enough stuff.
I’ve tried to run, believe me I’ve tried. I ran to this and that, him and her, everything and anything that would fight off the lies.
Don’t tell me its not ok to feel what I feel, to dream what I dream, and make me feel like a fool for believing in more.
You led me here, like you had it planned out. What kind of sick joke is that?
Its things like this, that make me afraid, do what I do, and hide away.
We were not meant to hide, to be shamed or scared.
But its hard not to when my heart has seen war.
Damn doesn’t anyone dream anymore? I feel so alone here, with my head in the clouds. How did anything happen if someone didn’t take the risk to dream it was possible? I still believe in you, yes you love, even if this world proves me wrong again and again. I have to, I need to. We were made from love, by love, to love. I feel it, down to my core. Deep deep down, there is something much more.
I wish that I could be that girl. The one who doesn’t care, pushes it aside and moves on. The one who is strong and can say screw all this. I know what I want, what I need, what I deserve. But that’s just it, that’s it right there. What really, if anything, do we deserve? I know of terms like mercy and grace, but what does that look like, here, standing in my place.
I wish I could be thankful, not always wanting more. Not always seeking, dreaming, searching for the thing to make me whole. But ya know, im just not that girl. Im not the one to dry my lips, cross my legs and keep quite. If that’s what you want, im sorry she’s not here. The one that’s here is a beautiful mess, in every sort of the way. Can you love me in my mess, when im weak and wrong, in my ugliness? Can you love me when its not convenient, when your busy and your stressed? I have had a lot of yes’s but no one to fight till the end. That’s all I ask, all I ask of you. To see that me, in my worst, is still worth fighting for.
Now its my turn, my turn to learn. To shut doors, walk away and stop trying to return. Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting, and the presence of a women is something to be esteemed. She can tease you with her lies, inspire you with her beauty, but the one thing she cant do is make you want to fight for love. Love is a choice, I’ve heard a thousand times, but what do you say, to the one whose seen choices give up and walk away.
I’ve tried to run, believe me I’ve tried. I ran to this and that, him and her, everything and anything that would fight off the lies.
Don’t tell me its not ok to feel what I feel, to dream what I dream, and make me feel like a fool for believing in more.
You led me here, like you had it planned out. What kind of sick joke is that?
Its things like this, that make me afraid, do what I do, and hide away.
We were not meant to hide, to be shamed or scared.
But its hard not to when my heart has seen war.
Damn doesn’t anyone dream anymore? I feel so alone here, with my head in the clouds. How did anything happen if someone didn’t take the risk to dream it was possible? I still believe in you, yes you love, even if this world proves me wrong again and again. I have to, I need to. We were made from love, by love, to love. I feel it, down to my core. Deep deep down, there is something much more.
I wish that I could be that girl. The one who doesn’t care, pushes it aside and moves on. The one who is strong and can say screw all this. I know what I want, what I need, what I deserve. But that’s just it, that’s it right there. What really, if anything, do we deserve? I know of terms like mercy and grace, but what does that look like, here, standing in my place.
I wish I could be thankful, not always wanting more. Not always seeking, dreaming, searching for the thing to make me whole. But ya know, im just not that girl. Im not the one to dry my lips, cross my legs and keep quite. If that’s what you want, im sorry she’s not here. The one that’s here is a beautiful mess, in every sort of the way. Can you love me in my mess, when im weak and wrong, in my ugliness? Can you love me when its not convenient, when your busy and your stressed? I have had a lot of yes’s but no one to fight till the end. That’s all I ask, all I ask of you. To see that me, in my worst, is still worth fighting for.
Now its my turn, my turn to learn. To shut doors, walk away and stop trying to return. Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting, and the presence of a women is something to be esteemed. She can tease you with her lies, inspire you with her beauty, but the one thing she cant do is make you want to fight for love. Love is a choice, I’ve heard a thousand times, but what do you say, to the one whose seen choices give up and walk away.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
It's Getting Hard
Its getting really hard to wait.
I dont know if its my heart, or my fear I feel I need to speak to.
Im getting to that point again, standing on that edge.
I really would be ok, yeah it would suck but i would be ok, my problem is just.... I need to know.
Im trying to be safe, play it cool, do it right, not rush, be led.
Instead I want to risk, show my heart, act on what I feel, jump into something great, and take charge.
Trust. Be Patient. I hear these words but dont really know how to act on them.
I see myself looking around at others, how they already have it because.....they did something better than I?
The thing i liked about liking you, is it caused me to run harder to God.
Why would I turn to you now?
I will not rush my way into your heart.
I pray the same Prayer I have been praying since December: if this is not something you want Dad, guard my heart for I do not know how. If this is something beautiful, wonderful and something you wish to happen, then I pray you would give him eyes only for me. You would guide him, protect him, build him, grow him, use him. And show him the path he must take to reach me.
thank you he has the heart of david, and WILL seek you. Please speak to him.
I dont know if its my heart, or my fear I feel I need to speak to.
Im getting to that point again, standing on that edge.
I really would be ok, yeah it would suck but i would be ok, my problem is just.... I need to know.
Im trying to be safe, play it cool, do it right, not rush, be led.
Instead I want to risk, show my heart, act on what I feel, jump into something great, and take charge.
Trust. Be Patient. I hear these words but dont really know how to act on them.
I see myself looking around at others, how they already have it because.....they did something better than I?
The thing i liked about liking you, is it caused me to run harder to God.
Why would I turn to you now?
I will not rush my way into your heart.
I pray the same Prayer I have been praying since December: if this is not something you want Dad, guard my heart for I do not know how. If this is something beautiful, wonderful and something you wish to happen, then I pray you would give him eyes only for me. You would guide him, protect him, build him, grow him, use him. And show him the path he must take to reach me.
thank you he has the heart of david, and WILL seek you. Please speak to him.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Your Strength
You have taught me how to love. How to love things that the world would see as unloveable. I fell in love with your strength. I want you to blind me, that I become weak in your arms and your strength leads me into the safest, smoothest dance of my life. You get me outside of my shell. Your charm, makes the women in me come out in all her beauty. Your strength makes me weak in a beautiful way, a way that makes me strong to follow you. I want to be soft, flexible, strong and true. Thank you for rising up and bringing out the little girl in me who is loved enough, safe enough and willing to rush out and shine for you, not even for herself but for you.
Why Are We Made To Feel Like This?
She is stronger than she thinks. She does what is more challenging than conquering her battle; she puts on a smile to fool the world while she is right in the middle of fighting.
She has failed, tried again, and fallen further than before over 100 times. But she knows that what is worse than falling ten times harder than the last, is staying there and not getting up to try again.
The burning inextinguishable fire that burns inside of her to see herself conquer this, is stronger than the pull of failure and despair.
Real passion knows the feeling of failure, but NOT the word impossible.
Dreams not yet reached are stronger than failure already experienced*
She has failed, tried again, and fallen further than before over 100 times. But she knows that what is worse than falling ten times harder than the last, is staying there and not getting up to try again.
The burning inextinguishable fire that burns inside of her to see herself conquer this, is stronger than the pull of failure and despair.
Real passion knows the feeling of failure, but NOT the word impossible.
Dreams not yet reached are stronger than failure already experienced*
Time With You
It was great spending time with you today. I felt you so heavy on my heart, there was no explaining otherwise. Its like, you remove me from my world, from my reality for just a little while. For the right amount of time to remind me.
you brought me to tears. To warm happy tears. The ones that when I raised my hands to hold my face, covered a smile. The thought of your faithfulness held me like strong arms, and the throught of your love for me, lifted my heart into my eyes. The thought of your promises ringing true "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ"..
You brought me to joy today! The smell of warm summer air, the smoke from the bonfire around the corner. I breathed it all in so deep, it rose me to my tippy toes I was so full! I saw the moon, and honestly thought I could fly.
it is known, you satisfy the deepest needs of humanities depravity, inside of me.
you brought me to tears. To warm happy tears. The ones that when I raised my hands to hold my face, covered a smile. The thought of your faithfulness held me like strong arms, and the throught of your love for me, lifted my heart into my eyes. The thought of your promises ringing true "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ"..
You brought me to joy today! The smell of warm summer air, the smoke from the bonfire around the corner. I breathed it all in so deep, it rose me to my tippy toes I was so full! I saw the moon, and honestly thought I could fly.
it is known, you satisfy the deepest needs of humanities depravity, inside of me.
Slip A Note Under My Pillow
Slip a note under my pillow and let me wake up from the warmth of the rays through the window. Take my hand, and take me away on a train. Let your smile be my warmth through the pouring rain. Our footsteps will be the only trace we leave behind. Take me to the top of the world and let it reach to the bottom of my heart. Show me all the wonders of the world in your eyes. Lead me to fields of hills consumed with tall grass all swaying to the same melody. Fly me to the oceans of majestic waves, mighty in force yet calm in spirit. Let us lay under stealing stars as they steal the moonlight for their own. Slip your hand under my head and let me dreams immerse into life. Hold me close in your arms and protect me from the nightmares. Remain, and let me awake to the warmth of you breathing. Slip a note in my hand, and take me away.
I watch the snowflakes falling down, and I wish I could be like them. So free, light, careless and pure. Then I realize that I am. No two are alike and each is carefully crafted by your hand. Each fall to just the right destination, at the precise time.
I watch the snowflakes falling down, and I wish I could be like them. So free, light, careless and pure. Then I realize that I am. No two are alike and each is carefully crafted by your hand. Each fall to just the right destination, at the precise time.
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