Ivory Tower

Im so angry at those people that brain washed me into believing that when x situation arises, you apply y solution.

Its a long gaze down from the top of my ivory tower. The place where my body, my actions, my words, the external me is doing everything right. My body isn't doing anything "wrong". My words arent tearing people down or goodness forbid using swear words. My actions arent doing anything that would "hinder my witness". Its a good thing I stay in my ivory tower and dont move somewhere more transparent because if what was in my heart were to be revealed, then I have already committed adultery and murder in my heart. If where my heart is my treasure will be also, then I can assure you my treasure is of NO WORTH right now.

We think we walk in freedom, because we feel comfortable. We think we are free, because we dont wrestle and question. Those of us who do not question, do not wrestle do not challenge; those of us who feel comfortable, we are the most bound prisoners there are. We become free, when we can be transparent with all of us, all the ugly shit we hide, and find that there is only ONE who can love all of it.

Stories

We all have a story. We have a past, we have fears, we have insecurities, we have that person ( or persons) that left some deep wounds that only love can heal. We have passions and joys and aspirations that reach to the heavens. We have our little selves, the selves that we dont want people to really see, because thats like being an animal lying on their back with their stomach exposed....the most vulnerable and dangerous position. We have our big selves, sometimes I wish I could find that one. Anyway the point is we all have stories....some chapters everyone knows and some no one does. Our stories are NOT by mistake. Dont you believe that lie for a minuet. Our God causes all things to work together for good for those that love Him.

People , we are not formulas. when it comes to things like love, 2+2 does not equal four. Another side note...be kind to people you dont know their stories. I have a mighty God. That's easy to write, but sooo much harder to live. I have a God that knew my story, cover to cover before I was even born. I have no reason to fear...to fear anything. I am in His hands, not mine. Sighhhhh...there it is, that peace feeling that comes when I remember whose I am, and how great He is.

Mirrors

Unlike humans, mirrors cant break themselves.

We should be like mirrors together.
Attracting only light, not darkness
Reflecting the light of the other to the world.
Mirrors don't take, they reflect.
Mirrors work together, off each other.
Alone, they are just glass. Nothing beautiful.
Simple enough.

Right here I will stay

what if we miss each other?
what if we missed each other?
what if were...missing each other?

what if, what if what if what if. Emotions, mind, body, racing, weak, tired, yearning, pulling.

I wish snow white would have told me love was a race.
I wish sleeping beauty would have mentioned, love is a battle of power.
I wish "once upon a time" told the truth.
I wish Happily ever after, showed which one decided to jump first.

I cant jump. Im free, dont tell me im not free.
My body leans over, but my legs, from about the knees down and one with the ground
what if I stay.
what if I dont jump, take that leap of faith, risk it all, ect.
Ill miss out right?
ill be told im calloused, and afraid to love and....what else will I be told?

Im not meant to jump.
well, not right now at least.
you told me not to, so i wont.
my tourso leans over, legs stand still bent,body broken in half.
Broken in half.
Broken in half.
Broken in half. But Ill stay.

were always told to just Jump.
dammit.
its scary to jump.
hell.
no its scary to stay RIGHT HERE.
Its scary to stay in the:
who knows
im missing out
ill never know
place.....

im right.
where im.
supposed to.
be.

in the middle of it.
the "it" isnt really about you and me....
anymore
now
its about....
me

Just for a minuet
I need this
to be
about me.

I can feel it.
I can feel the freedom coming, the wind rushing around me
with my arms open wide, face upward towards the sky
I feel the spin, the whoooosh.

From up here I can see the mountains.
From here I will watch the sun rise another day.
From here I will listen.
Right here I will stay.
Yes
Right here I will stay.

I am not my own

I have realized I am not my own. I dont belong to myself.

Do you know what that means? I have been bought at a high price. A high price of love.

By my own choice I am not my own. God is sooo good. I still cant rest and capture the concept that while I was, and still am, helpless and 100% incapable of fixing myself, restoring myself, making myself "ok"....God came in, picked me up and said "your mine. I got you." Before I even said....before I was even capable of saying I love you to God, He said "I love you, and will do what it takes (dying) to restore you to myself."

These ideas, this concept is not to be taken lightly. This kind of love is NOTHING like anything we can compare with here on earth. However, this kind of love, this powerful life changing love is not a one foot in one foot out kind of love.

I dont belong to myself. I have been bought at a high price. If I give myself and submit to this love, no longer shall I do what I want to do.

I dont mind waiting on you Lord. This is a song that we sing at the Rock. I dont mind waiting on you Lord...and I really dont. When we believe and understand our God is sooo good, and sooo full of love, we wont mind waiting on Him.

This life has conditioned us to believe that waiting is a bad thing. Its a scary thing because when we give over control to whatever or whoever were waiting on....its risky. Fail us. so many things and people fail us, as we do them. I can guarantee there has been a time in your life when someone told you "trust me, wait on me. Show me you trust me by waiting on me, give me your trust."

And when you did that, that person hurt you so deeply, that you told yourself the last thing you would ever do would be to trust someone to that extent again. You would be caught dead before you ever gave over control, and let someone dispose of you, take advantage of you or objectify you again.

Maybe, its not the act of waiting and trusting, but its WHO were waiting on...WHO were trusting in. I was humbled in Church today to how worthy God really is. How worthy God is of me waiting on Him. In fact (yeah, im going there) I should honestly be thankful God even allows me to wait on Him. Thinking of God as a high King, to be on my face at the feet of a King waiting on Him.

I might not know you. I might not know your story. But I do know that when we reach a point of humility, on our face saying "God, all I know is how much I need you. All I know is that I will die without you." Our perspective changes. Our perspective on everything.

Realins how worthy, how powerful, how awesome our God is, becomes humbling. God you are so worthy, because of who you are, of me waiting on you, because of how much I need you oh God. What draws me close to you, is my deep need for you, and my depravity without you.

God will nof fail you. He will not dissapoint you, even though it may appear that way. He will never dispose you, or objectify you...ever He will never, ever do anything that is not out of love. Because thats who He is.

I dont mind waiting on that. I have no other choice, for I am not my own.

I cant explain the cross. The sacrifice of love that was for you and me.

I know this: You cant love without sacrifice and pain. Love is not comfortable.

Song

Nothing Without You

F, C, Am, G-capo 1

I’ve come to know
That im nothing without you
Im nothing without you
I cant sing without you

I’ve come to know
That im nothing without you
Im nothing without you
I cant be without you

This is a cry
This is a beg
To come and fill me once again
This is a cry
This is a beg
To come and wake me from the dead.

Ive come to see just how ugly I can be
How lost I can be, when I follow my own lead

Ive come to feel the power of a slave
The tighter oh the chains
The less choices I can make

This is a cry
This is a beg
To come and fill me once again
This is a cry
This is a beg
To come and wake me from the dead.

Song

Smart of you

I think I’d be smart of you
To hold your words
I think I’d be smart of you
Not to say exactly what you feel

I think I’d be smart of you
Not to take my hand
And lead me away with
Words of unfilled promises

Im young but I have seen
The beauty that comes in waiting
And the power
From a selfless heart

I think I’d be smart of me
Not to hear your words
To realize that selfishness
Can be dressed in charm.

Im young but I have seen
The beauty that comes in waiting
And the power
From a selfless heart

Song

Hard Battle

You’ve gotta know
You’ve gotta know
This isn’t right.
(G2, G, F, G, G2)

Cant you see my face

Now im tired of your words
They mean nothing to me now
But ill try, yes ill try to understand.

Althought now I see a child not a man

But its a hard battle within me
When the fight’s against my heart and my mind
Cant you see im trying here
Not to run away in fear
But ill run if I know you wont fight.
Watch me run, oh ill run if you wont fight
(A, G, F)

So here I am
With my heart on my sleeve
As I try to be the rock

That I am.

And it seems to the world
You know how to win the girl
But as for me I will bow out gracefully.

For I’m told for just my hand ships should sail seas.

But its a hard battle within me
When the fight’s against my heart and my mind
Cant you see im trying here
Not to run away in fear
But ill run if I know you wont fight.
Watch me run, oh ill run if you wont fight
(A, G, F)

Fear

Fear is a death grip that robs us from trusting. Love, and trusting that very love is an extremely powerful thing. The evil one knows that and will rob the power that Gods love has for us by causing us to fear. Fear is holding on when God says surrender. Fear is trying to do things on our own when God says let me. Fear is not trusting He will satisfy, provide, and protect; and turning to other things for those longings when says I AM.....that I AM.

Loss Of Humanity

I want to move to, and raise my family in a place that slows down. I want to be somewhere, where people who dont know each other, actually talk to each other. While waiting for the grocer to bag your groceries, instead of being on a cell phone, I want to talk to the people and learn about their lives. Heck, i want to even just say I hope you have a great day today, the sun looks nice.

I realized how dekalb is actually a pretty small town...but in a weird way I like it. I like how I can go to the local chinese resturante to pick up food for my family and the owner knows my gramma, remembers the boy i brought in when he was meeting my family, how I went to high school with her daughter. I like how I run into the secretary that got me out of detentions in high school because i was late every day, and she still remembers my name and face...and tells me to stop by the high school to say hi to her.

I would love to live somewhere, where i can get my fruits and vegetables from a local stand on the side of the road, and when i give them my cash I know I am supporting their hard labor and helping their family make a living from the lifestyle they choose to live.

I need to talk to strangers more, I need to....in a nice way...make the people around me feel a little uncomfortable. Especially as Christians I feel we need to air our dirty laundry out more to show the impact of grace in our lives, and give hope to those who live in bondage.

Man, I only have what...liek 60 more years on this earth? What am I doing while im here! I am so so so selfish most of the time. from the help of some good friends im learning to be clear....meaning im learning to stop filtering myself to what I think people, the world, or WHATEVER wants me to be...and just be....ME. The real me, the messy, un lovable, un cool, not perfect, seriously pretty messed up me.

I want to do the things i long to do, take the opprtunities that arise, and tell people "why does it matter! this isnt the end anyway...this isnt even what we were made for!!

"The beauty of grace, is it makes life unfair....praise God. Man I am so sick of being what I feel is expected of me there is only ONE.....whose view of me matters...only ONE who I am surrendered to ( because He gives me the choice to) and only ONE.....who when all is said and done...can look at the REAL US..no masks, no stage to perform our best...can see all the ugly...even the stuff WE dont see in OURSELVES...and only He, Jesus Christ, can look at us and say:

you are mine, I have chosen you, and when you least deserved it....I chose to Love you.

Amen friends...that is the Gospel, that is the God we serve.

Please....just come.

Please just come. All who are weary all who are thirsty. I dont care what it looks like when you come, or how you come. I dont care if you sit when everyone stands, stay silent when everyone sings, what you look like or what you say. Please ask questions, please share your heart, be vulnerable. I dont deserve your heart, your hurt your wounds our your past, but I would like to try and ease it. I cant be what you need but because of my own need, I can show you the one who can be.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Come all who are burdened and take His yoke for it is easy and it is light.I am sorry.

I am so sorry for whatever or whoever it was that turned you away. Not away from Church, or Christians, or a culture...but away from a loving, forgiving, saving, and all powerful God....who I promise wants you.

I dont care how you come...just come. Even if its just putting one toe in the door. Maybe it will even be you crawling on your knees our of desperation.....which would be perfect. If that is how you come to Him I believe your already much better off than many others who, like me, have forgotten how we are NOTHING on our own. We are a lost people, who are truly in need of a savior.

I hope you see in me a need, a weakness, a longing for God. I hope you see something thats hard, thats real, thats raw...something that goes beyond appearances, beyond expectations and beyond performance. Something that is so consuming that I couldnt hide it even if I wanted to.

I wish I shined like that.

Found Some Old Writings Of Mine

Im really tired of people being fake and selfish. Please just LEAVE ME ALONE…

Im really tired that I fall into the trap EVERY TIME thinking this time will be different.

Im really tire of being USED to fulfill your meantime needs. How about you think about ME for once. About WHAT IS BEST FOR ME.

Do me a favor and LEAVE ME ALONE. Im fine until you come in and get me off track.

My WHOLE LIFE I have had to fight the voice saying IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I don’t need YOU echoing that with a loud speaker into my mind.

I know, I know its tough. I know the feeling of the underdog and wanting for ONCE to feel on top. And then once you get there, its hard to not take advantage of us, the LITTLE PEOPLE .

But I can tell you one thing. I will NOT PRETEND. I will not give something that isn’t there, or take something I KNOW ISNT MINE.

So next time you think you can come to me, and take things that DON’T BELONG TO YOU, and think its ok…..your in for a surprise.

There might be a lot of things you CAN TAKE from me, but the one thing you can NEVER TAKE….

Is the one thing that’s NEVER FOR SALE.


How mad lol

Song

So song writing is my drug, it saves me from going mental..seriously.

for the past few weeks I have really had it on my heart this idea that when God made us, He looked at us and said "we were GOOD" He wasnt comparing us to anything, there was no standard of good, He made us in HIS PERFECT image and said we were good. Everything in this world tells us the opposite. Says we are not "good enough" in someway shape or form, and personally im getting pissed at the world. I have come to believe the best way that satan defeats us (at least me) is to "twist" or just plain lie..about the core fundamentals that Christ gave us...one being that God truly loves us and another being that we are not "good enough." Much to say I wrote a song about it all.....


Good Enough

These voices scream to me
the lies im starting to believe
now im starting to give in

I wake to a new day
which says that for love I must pay
everything that I don’t have and more

How do I stand in you
trusting your words are true
when all that surrounds me
tries to define me
saying im not worthy of this love

Im taught that freedom can't come free
but you say, truth will do that for me
oh how I need that now
tonight Im walking with my eyes shut
these standards they just hurt to much
but what if its not me that’s wrong

How do I standin you
trusting your words are true
when all that surrounds me
tries to define me
saying im not worthy ofthis love
How do you look at me and see beauty
(2)The power of graceis that He took my place
So you can look at meAnd see beauty

1. When God was finished making us He looked at what He made and said it was "good". In today's world EVERYTHING... i mean EVERYTHING around us is telling us the message that we "are not good enough" that if we just had "blank" or just were "blank" then we would somehow Measure up to this universal standard of good enough. When God made us and said we were good there was no comparison to anything. He didnt say "compared to (blank)..you pass!!!! your good enough!" lol He simply said we were GOOD. My weakness, my fight and battle, my hearts thorn is that Im never enough of anything......pretty enough, smart, worthy, no matter WHAT it is...i just never measure up. What if somehow we could train our minds that when we have these thoughts, to say to ourselves "ya know what...God... G.O.D....says im good the WAY I AM. Yes my shortcomings and ALL."

2. When God madue us He made us in the image of Himself. The Bible also shows that God wasnt really alone when He made us...He had the presence of the Holy Spirit and the Son.... Hence He said " Let us make them in OUR image".... the trio shows community and how we as humans are DESINGED for community, relationships. To me that was honestly discouraging and well, scary because relationships are my passion....and what if I never measure up or am worthy enough for the one thing Im created for! But thats not the community we were designed for... the trio of God, the Son and the Holy Spirit are the communiity that compliments each other... shines the best in one another and loves one another so much more, that they sacrifice for them. They want the others best interest, and is absolutey PERFECT community. That is what we were desinged for.. and katie we live in a world where EVERY relationship WILL dissapoint and fail us. sooooooo

3. (almost done!!!) I want you to imagine something... for real. Imagine being in an atmosphere where the being that created you says you are PERFECT. You are constanly being in an enviornment where you are being told you are passionatly loved, you are good, you are beautiful, there is nothing that you lack, and everything you could ever need is in this being that is telling you all these things. We are beings that were desinged to have something.. no someONE who is outside of ourselves TELL us we are worthy, we are beautiful, we are loved and we are good. In the garden, we had that, we had God telling us those things....but since the fall adn that disconnection b/w God and man....we look for that voice to tell us who we are in other people, and other things. We dont hear God's voice of approval anymore. We can say all we want that as long as we are happy with who we are and confident, we dont need other people's approval...but i dont think i can do that. because I don think i was desinged that way. Am I saying God desinged us to put our worth is other's approval and that their opinions are truth and reality?.... NEVER...im saying the exact opposite. Im saying we need to TAKE back the power we have put in others to define us, and give it back to the one who is wrothy of it.

Song

They Tell Me

They tell me girl just try
A little harder next time
Get yourself in line
Maybe you’ll be alright.

They tell me play the part
That wont break your heart
Hide everything you are
Girl it cant be that hard.

But I know that road
And if you keep walking you’ll loose your soul
There’s a big world out there… to know
So I must go.

Please just try and obey
What the voices say
Don’t ask why
Life is easier Blind

But I know that road
If you keep walking you’ll loose your soul
There’s a big world out there… to know
So I must go.

Girl just close your eyes
Repress all the lies
don’t dream farther than your time
That’s how you’ll be alright. (2)
that’s how you’ll die

Song

Formulas Dont Apply

I thought if I played my cards right
I wouldn’t be where I am tonight
If I played it safe not much to say
I ‘d protect what I used to give away

What if I said that im done
with playing these games
of the heart
That leave it hungry for more


**I found out, without a doubt
In this life oh formulas don’t apply
It doesn’t matter how hard we try, everything will either live or die

hey there, dreamer they call out to me,
when will you come back down.
Dreaming is just for the weak
and I think you show that well.
Oh I believe this more than I know
For it comes from deep in my soul
But I believe its
The only way to save our souls.

A few years in
I think I might now, be just a little more healed
But my heart is still crying and searching
Bleeding for something real.
And I want to see in your eyes
Life is more beautiful than lies
Rise from the ground to the sky

**I found out, without a doubt
In this life oh formulas don’t apply
It doesn’t matter how hard we try, everything will either live or die
Oh Im so tired of compromise
I just want you to look me in the eye
That you see its worth the fight
That I am worth the fight

Fist Full of Sand

Its like making a fist with sand in your hand they say. The tighter you hold, well you know the rest. So what...what is that perfect amount of strength and balance that keeps the sand in the palm of your hand, without it slipping away?

Interesting how they say certain things like love, are just "out of our hands." That there is no choice, no drive, no decision needed to be made with love, its just..."love." If it comes, great soak it up for what its worth. If it goes, well then its time to sow yourself back up and watch it go.

You know call me crazy, but I just cant believe that. I cant believe the most empowering emotion, the most driving force ,the....the very thing that sets our souls alive...is something we only experience if our cards seem to line up just right.

So that seems to leave us with two options. Either love..the act the emotion the concept..is only experienced when the moon and stars a line, or there is a power in and of love. A power that chooses and acts.

Semester 2008

I’ve read enough books, heard enough talks. Had enough advice, and tried distracting myself with enough stuff.

I’ve tried to run, believe me I’ve tried. I ran to this and that, him and her, everything and anything that would fight off the lies.

Don’t tell me its not ok to feel what I feel, to dream what I dream, and make me feel like a fool for believing in more.

You led me here, like you had it planned out. What kind of sick joke is that?
Its things like this, that make me afraid, do what I do, and hide away.
We were not meant to hide, to be shamed or scared.
But its hard not to when my heart has seen war.

Damn doesn’t anyone dream anymore? I feel so alone here, with my head in the clouds. How did anything happen if someone didn’t take the risk to dream it was possible? I still believe in you, yes you love, even if this world proves me wrong again and again. I have to, I need to. We were made from love, by love, to love. I feel it, down to my core. Deep deep down, there is something much more.

I wish that I could be that girl. The one who doesn’t care, pushes it aside and moves on. The one who is strong and can say screw all this. I know what I want, what I need, what I deserve. But that’s just it, that’s it right there. What really, if anything, do we deserve? I know of terms like mercy and grace, but what does that look like, here, standing in my place.

I wish I could be thankful, not always wanting more. Not always seeking, dreaming, searching for the thing to make me whole. But ya know, im just not that girl. Im not the one to dry my lips, cross my legs and keep quite. If that’s what you want, im sorry she’s not here. The one that’s here is a beautiful mess, in every sort of the way. Can you love me in my mess, when im weak and wrong, in my ugliness? Can you love me when its not convenient, when your busy and your stressed? I have had a lot of yes’s but no one to fight till the end. That’s all I ask, all I ask of you. To see that me, in my worst, is still worth fighting for.

Now its my turn, my turn to learn. To shut doors, walk away and stop trying to return. Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting, and the presence of a women is something to be esteemed. She can tease you with her lies, inspire you with her beauty, but the one thing she cant do is make you want to fight for love. Love is a choice, I’ve heard a thousand times, but what do you say, to the one whose seen choices give up and walk away.

It's Getting Hard

Its getting really hard to wait.
I dont know if its my heart, or my fear I feel I need to speak to.
Im getting to that point again, standing on that edge.
I really would be ok, yeah it would suck but i would be ok, my problem is just.... I need to know.

Im trying to be safe, play it cool, do it right, not rush, be led.
Instead I want to risk, show my heart, act on what I feel, jump into something great, and take charge.

Trust. Be Patient. I hear these words but dont really know how to act on them.
I see myself looking around at others, how they already have it because.....they did something better than I?

The thing i liked about liking you, is it caused me to run harder to God.
Why would I turn to you now?

I will not rush my way into your heart.
I pray the same Prayer I have been praying since December: if this is not something you want Dad, guard my heart for I do not know how. If this is something beautiful, wonderful and something you wish to happen, then I pray you would give him eyes only for me. You would guide him, protect him, build him, grow him, use him. And show him the path he must take to reach me.
thank you he has the heart of david, and WILL seek you. Please speak to him.

Your Strength

You have taught me how to love. How to love things that the world would see as unloveable. I fell in love with your strength. I want you to blind me, that I become weak in your arms and your strength leads me into the safest, smoothest dance of my life. You get me outside of my shell. Your charm, makes the women in me come out in all her beauty. Your strength makes me weak in a beautiful way, a way that makes me strong to follow you. I want to be soft, flexible, strong and true. Thank you for rising up and bringing out the little girl in me who is loved enough, safe enough and willing to rush out and shine for you, not even for herself but for you.

Why Are We Made To Feel Like This?

She is stronger than she thinks. She does what is more challenging than conquering her battle; she puts on a smile to fool the world while she is right in the middle of fighting.

She has failed, tried again, and fallen further than before over 100 times. But she knows that what is worse than falling ten times harder than the last, is staying there and not getting up to try again.

The burning inextinguishable fire that burns inside of her to see herself conquer this, is stronger than the pull of failure and despair.

Real passion knows the feeling of failure, but NOT the word impossible.

Dreams not yet reached are stronger than failure already experienced*